“Letting go & being OPEN for ALL to come:)”

  Within my first few weeks in Australia I felt completely unbalanced. I was living and working in Cairns and one night I realized I had to go and 3 days later I was on a bus down the coast to breathe and find my next place of life. As I jumped on the bus that Saturday morning, I had no idea I was going to meet my 'brother' on this trip. (I feel there are people that are similar to those from home when you travel that reassure and put you at ease. When you find them it usually is when you least expect it and you embrace every waking moment with that other individual to reenergize yourself).

  My first spot was Mission Beach. All I wanted to do was have a day at the beach and that is exactly what I did. I gathered my journal, ipod, towel, food, drinks, and camera and off I went. As I found my perfect spot on this empty beach yet for one soul that I walked about 10 minutes down from and parked myself. I emptied all my things and got myself sorted before I started to write in my journal. The only problem is I forgot a pen. Yup! A pen. I didn't want to repack up and walk all the way back there even though it was only 15 minutes away so I looked at this other person hanging out on the beach on his own and as I pondered about asking him, I got up and walked towards him. He thankfully had a pen and lent it to me.

  A few hours passed, I was doing yoga when I saw him coming to get his pen. I asked him to please sit with me and have a drink because I felt like an alcoholic drinking on my own and after a bit of hesitation and of course I persisted (the Italian in me came out:$), he thankfully gave in. We ended up having some of the deepest conversations I've ever had especially with a “stranger”. I told him things I had never told anyone before that I just realized about myself and my experiences. I felt like I was talking with my brother, the one person at that specific moment I needed and of course, he was there:)

I use to be afraid of telling people what I thought. Maybe because I never really expressed myself through words as a child or because I went through the typical catty girl drama that we all unfortunately go through, this has deterred me from most of them. However, there are always exceptions – and they are my friends :)

  I remember in my first year of university, I tried out for the Varsity soccer team. While I didn't know it was 2 weeks of 2 a days for training camp. I was informed there were only 2 tryouts and because I lived 6 hours away, I could only attend one of them. Well when I made the team and started over some vets – it taught me how to NOT fit in. They ended up being bitches to me. By the 3^rd week I lost heart for the game and started playing like garbage so then I wouldn't start. After the season I didn't return for the winter nor did I have any intention on going back.

  Well, talking about coincidences, things happening for a reason (s) and making a negative into a positive. I lost a role model that winter, my 6^th friend that year. Not only did I freeze – I left university for a few weeks and went home. It really blew my mind to lose Jenny because she was the second 1 from our ringette team that passed away within the same year.

  I was always one of the youngest on the team and we had such an outstanding group of girls that actually I looked up to all of them in different ways. Majority of the time we actually all got along very well which is quite rare with a group of teenage girls but we most certainly made it work.

However, the one thing that shocked me was Jenny replaced Jenna as my major role model. I use to look at Jenna and want to grow up to be like her. She had it all: beautiful, outgoing, succeeded at everything she did and completely full of energy. There wasn't anyone that didn't like her. She even had our #1 fan, Adam, as her boyfriend. I dreamed of having that, one day:) However, her time came to quick and sadly she had to leave us. I will NEVER forget her contagious smile, uncontrollable energy, addicting laugh and her down to earth spunk. I think of her all the time and still to today – I strive to be like her.

  While I lost her, I also went through other friends, passing away and one of my best friends being in a serious car accident that was repeatedly told: “He's lucky to even be alive!” I was a wreck for a bit – ask my parents. I could tell they were concerned for me and I appreciate their patience. Sometimes we just need to be silent and still to figure out how we're going to manage and take our next step because we'll always keep moving – it just takes time, sometimes.

  I remember getting the call in university from a dear high school friend, Sunflower, that our mutual friend, Jenny, had passed away. I thought she was lying, it couldn't be true. But no one ever jokes about death and I know she wouldn't. I remember walking into the guy’s room frozen. It was all a blur. The airplane ride home. The funeral. I couldn't believe it was happening...again. To another team mate. My newest role model. I felt like I jinxed her – if that's even possible but irrational thoughts always cross your mind when something happens that you really don't want to be true.

  Yet, it was all happening. Jenny passed away, a few days before us ringette girls had a night out in Toronto already planned. I was in disbelief.

  I find when we're standing still; making sense of the outcomes all around us, the best place to be is home. It was the best three weeks in that year of loss for me. I regained my strength, optimism and courage to make the most of that year. I ended up playing soccer with girls I grew up with because we never had that cattiness like I received in University. It was a great stress relief for me and it made being at home comforting since I have been with that team for so long.

  I am so grateful for all the amazing girls, now women; I played and had the luxury to grow up with. Soccer has always been my outlet where I had friends who accepted me for who I am regardless how ridiculous my behaviour got and trust me – some times I was out control ~ I couldn't even explain why I reacted the way I did. But at the end of the day our team always embraced each other exactly the way we all were and sadly at times I took that for granted. Now I see how truly lucky I was and am = Thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart!

  Additionally, thank you to those vets who mistreated me because I took that hurt and used it as my strength that summer to prove them wrong. I trained hard and came back and broke Carleton records over my last few years there. I am proud of my determination and am extremely grateful for regaining the heart of the game I've always and will always have for soccer :)

  Playing soccer makes me feel good. I thoroughly enjoying running around, kicking a ball with someone, competing, playing barefoot in the sand/grass and having a game with friends / family. I love it all and that’s when I told myself I am going to do things that make me feel good regardless of what other people think because at the end of the day – I won't let their petty behaviour change me. Most of them have turned around and there is one solid girl that I actually still talk with today. However, for the most part, for those who put you down – it's usually a reflection of what they need to work on their selves. So don't let their criticism deter you from succeeding – Let it encourage and motivate you to be a better you! :)

Let YOUR light ShiNE and COnstANtly KeEP doinG whAT YOU loVE EVERYDAY:)!

....NeXt ChaPTer>>>>