Within my first few weeks in Australia
I felt completely unbalanced. I was living and working in Cairns and
one night I realized I had to go and 3 days later I was on a bus down
the coast to breathe and find my next place of life. As I jumped on
the bus that Saturday morning, I had no idea I was going to meet my
'brother' on this trip. (I feel there are people that are similar to
those from home when you travel that reassure and put you at ease.
When you find them it usually is when you least expect it and you
embrace every waking moment with that other individual to reenergize
yourself).
My first spot was Mission Beach. All
I wanted to do was have a day at the beach and that is exactly what I
did. I gathered my journal, ipod, towel, food, drinks, and camera and
off I went. As I found my perfect spot on this empty beach yet for
one soul that I walked about 10 minutes down from and parked myself.
I emptied all my things and got myself sorted before I started to
write in my journal. The only problem is I forgot a pen. Yup! A pen.
I didn't want to repack up and walk all the way back there even
though it was only 15 minutes away so I looked at this other person
hanging out on the beach on his own and as I pondered about asking
him, I got up and walked towards him. He thankfully had a pen and
lent it to me.
A few hours passed, I was doing yoga
when I saw him coming to get his pen. I asked him to please sit with
me and have a drink because I felt like an alcoholic drinking on my
own and after a bit of hesitation and of course I persisted (the
Italian in me came out:$), he thankfully gave in. We ended up having
some of the deepest conversations I've ever had especially with a
“stranger”. I told him things I had never told anyone before that
I just realized about myself and my experiences. I felt like I was
talking with my brother, the one person at that specific moment I
needed and of course, he was there:)
I use to be afraid of telling people
what I thought. Maybe because I never really expressed myself through
words as a child or because I went through the typical catty girl
drama that we all unfortunately go through, this has deterred me from
most of them. However, there are always exceptions – and they are
my friends :)
I remember in my first year of
university, I tried out for the Varsity soccer team. While I didn't
know it was 2 weeks of 2 a days for training camp. I was informed
there were only 2 tryouts and because I lived 6 hours away, I could
only attend one of them. Well when I made the team and started over
some vets – it taught me how to NOT fit in. They ended up being
bitches to me. By the 3rd week I lost heart for the game
and started playing like garbage so then I wouldn't start. After the
season I didn't return for the winter nor did I have any intention on
going back.
Well, talking about coincidences,
things happening for a reason (s) and making a negative into a
positive. I lost a role model that winter, my 6th friend
that year. Not only did I freeze – I left university for a few
weeks and went home. It really blew my mind to lose Jenny because she
was the second 1 from our ringette team that passed away within the
same year.
I was always one of the youngest on
the team and we had such an outstanding group of girls that actually
I looked up to all of them in different ways. Majority of the time we
actually all got along very well which is quite rare with a group of
teenage girls but we most certainly made it work.
However, the one thing that shocked
me was Jenny replaced Jenna as my major role model. I use to look at
Jenna and want to grow up to be like her. She had it all: beautiful,
outgoing, succeeded at everything she did and completely full of
energy. There wasn't anyone that didn't like her. She even had our #1
fan, Adam, as her boyfriend. I dreamed of having that, one day:)
However, her time came to quick and sadly she had to leave us. I will
NEVER forget her contagious smile, uncontrollable energy, addicting
laugh and her down to earth spunk. I think of her all the time and
still to today – I strive to be like her.
While I lost her, I also went through
other friends, passing away and one of my best friends being in a
serious car accident that was repeatedly told: “He's lucky to even
be alive!” I was a wreck for a bit – ask my parents. I could tell
they were concerned for me and I appreciate their patience. Sometimes
we just need to be silent and still to figure out how we're going to
manage and take our next step because we'll always keep moving – it
just takes time, sometimes.
I remember getting the call in
university from a dear high school friend, Sunflower, that our mutual
friend, Jenny, had passed away. I thought she was lying, it couldn't
be true. But no one ever jokes about death and I know she wouldn't. I
remember walking into the guy’s room frozen. It was all a blur. The
airplane ride home. The funeral. I couldn't believe it was
happening...again. To another team mate. My newest role model. I felt
like I jinxed her – if that's even possible but irrational thoughts
always cross your mind when something happens that you really don't
want to be true.
Yet, it was all happening. Jenny
passed away, a few days before us ringette girls had a night out in
Toronto already planned. I was in disbelief.
I find when we're standing still;
making sense of the outcomes all around us, the best place to be is
home. It was the best three weeks in that year of loss for me. I
regained my strength, optimism and courage to make the most of that
year. I ended up playing soccer with girls I grew up with because we
never had that cattiness like I received in University. It was a
great stress relief for me and it made being at home comforting since
I have been with that team for so long.
I am so grateful for all the amazing
girls, now women; I played and had the luxury to grow up with. Soccer
has always been my outlet where I had friends who accepted me for who
I am regardless how ridiculous my behaviour got and trust me – some
times I was out control ~ I couldn't even explain why I reacted the
way I did. But at the end of the day our team always embraced each
other exactly the way we all were and sadly at times I took that for
granted. Now I see how truly lucky I was and am = Thank you ladies
from the bottom of my heart!
Additionally, thank you to those vets
who mistreated me because I took that hurt and used it as my strength
that summer to prove them wrong. I trained hard and came back and
broke Carleton records over my last few years there. I am proud of my
determination and am extremely grateful for regaining the heart of
the game I've always and will always have for soccer :)
Playing soccer makes me feel good. I
thoroughly enjoying running around, kicking a ball with someone,
competing, playing barefoot in the sand/grass and having a game with
friends / family. I love it all and that’s when I told myself I am
going to do things that make me feel good regardless of what other
people think because at the end of the day – I won't let their
petty behaviour change me. Most of them have turned around and there
is one solid girl that I actually still talk with today. However, for
the most part, for those who put you down – it's usually a
reflection of what they need to work on their selves. So don't let
their criticism deter you from succeeding – Let it encourage and
motivate you to be a better you! :)
Let YOUR light ShiNE and COnstANtly KeEP doinG whAT YOU loVE EVERYDAY:)!
....NeXt ChaPTer>>>>
